There was a buzz in the room. It was the biggest of stages, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Things were looking good -- a defensive stop, a few well-executed plays, and momentum seemed to be going our way. My living room was packed with people wearing burnt orange, filled with the nervous energy of more than a month's worth of hype. But things were looking good. There was hope. We had a chance to experience the highest reward a sports fan could desire: an undefeated season culminating in the victory of the National Championship, and Colt McCoy would be the one to bring us there.
"Hey. Hey guys... Why is Garrett Gilbert in the game?"
The small talk and side chatter quickly came to a halt as the commentator's voice boomed through the speakers, "Colt is hurt. Colt is hurt."
Then it came -- the shock, the confusion, the panic. You could feel the collective reaction of breaths holding. A deep sinking feeling of despair crept in as a mild nausea overcame the pits of my stomach. My mind was racing, compensating, doing damage control. "Of course he's OK, right? He'll be back! Of course! He'll come back in after the timeout." But, alas, the freshman quarterback stayed in for the next play and the next and the next after that. The Texas faithful never got to see their beloved leader return to the fray. A night of optimistic misery followed, but we knew that they were really just toying with our emotions. Sadly, there was no new hope, and the misery followed us into the next season. Our fleeting chance at triumph was gone forever.
You're describing an event, and you bring it to life well. I definitely think paragraph #3 is the most effective-- even in the noisy room, I could "hear" it get quiet. The voice of the announcer is very real. The emotions you felt are very well-described, as well as the energy & the sea of burnt orange in your living room. And on the second read-through, I can feel the sinking feeling as you describe it.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of adding more emotion, you might elaborate on the hope in the first paragraph, which would add to the despair after Colt got hurt. And while I really like the last couple of sentences, you might expand on the misery bit-- how it got worse as it got on, or whatever-- and then leave the audience feeling despair instead of the "next year" part.
Stephen, you do a good job bringing this event, a viewing party of UT’s championship game, to life for me. I feel the tension in the room when Colt goes down, and the disappointment when the Longhorns lose the game. You do a good job including auditory cues—the commentator’s booming voice, the frequent, ambiguous dialogue. I also like the way you ended the piece with “Or so we thought”; it adds humor. Nice touch.
ReplyDeleteI think you could make the piece more emotionally dramatic. I feel like I’m experiencing the party, but some of the emotions are being left out. Could you expand on the sense of hope in the beginning? Could you talk about the hype, the UT spirit, the cheering, or the celebration going on prior to Colt’s injury? Maybe describe the night in more detail, too. Overall good job.